I’ve neglected this space lately.  I mostly know why, but a small part of me wonders.  Mostly it's due to lack of response, whether it be views or clicks or likes or whatever.  I am a creature that needs to be fed to continue and the lack of feeding in any kind of traction makes me starve and whither away.  Basically, I’m needy AF and while I am writing these pieces for myself the urge to continue doing so wanes when things become difficult and I stop writing.

It’s been a month and a half and I haven’t written diddly squat.  Well, that isn’t completely true.  I have written a continuation of my very long erotica piece that I’m nearly ready to finish.  In fact I have it open in another tab and had intentions of hopefully finishing it but I needed a kick to start writing and thought a blog post would be well suited for that.  I’m on the last chapter, which has gone on three or four chapters longer than I had anticipated.  I want to finish it but I’m struggling with the idea that I’ve posted it on literotica and would like to take it off and public it on Amazon, however the effort it would take to go back and edit it seems a bit daunting.  

On a more sexual note, I jerked off to my ex wife yesterday.  She was wearing a white dress with sheer sides and the length was just high enough to give me an instant hard on.  Without getting into details or specifics, she asked me to help her get it on as she struggled to pull it down over her head due to its snugness.  

She was only wearing her bra and panties, both a dark tan colored, as the white dress bunched up around her shoulders.  I pulled it down and got it situated but her shoulders were exposed as the dress had strings that you tie in a bow along the shoulder.  There were also ties along the front that held the cleavage up if the woman had large breasts, or just looked like decoration if she had small ones.  My ex-wife had small breasts, B cups, and they had shrunken even more since we last had sex almost 10 years ago as she had lost 30 to 40 pounds in that time.  

I had contemplated reaching around her to tie the strings across her chest and then cup her breasts and give them a squeeze while pulling her back into me, but I didn’t.  Instead I placed my hands on her hips and then quickly removed them, but I wanted more.  So, after fiddling with the strings again and dropping them as she tied the front, I grabbed her hips and slid my hands to the front of her waist and pulled her back to me.  

I sunk my head into her neck and let out a groan.  My hands squeezed her hips and pulled her all the way into me, my erection was full and pushed into her cheeks.  She quickly stepped forward, away from me and tutted a sound in my direction without turning around to look at me.  Something about that act turned me on even more.  It was most likely my cuckold and denial kink, with maybe a hint of humiliation and femdom.  The act wasn’t further addressed and she got herself done up.  I left the room and made my way to the downstairs bathroom, locked the door and pulled down my shorts.  

My erection wasn’t nearly as hard as it had been when I was in the same room with her but it was still stiff and grew quickly as I gripped it and stroked it while standing in front of the toilet.  I pumped furiously with my eyes closed thinking about holding her hips.  The closeness to a woman, the familiarity of my ex wife was making my mind swim.  I thought about what would have happened if I didn’t stop.  I uttered softly in a moan, “let me fuck you.”

I’d pull at her dress.  Pull it up.  I’d have groped her breasts and said, “please.”

At first I didn’t think of her reaction, or her words, or anything she would have done if I had continued to grope her body and press my erection into her.  My mind wandered wildly as I stroked myself.  I kept going to the same place, pushing her down on the bed.  That is where I wanted her, face down on the bed with her ass in the air.  I couldn’t decide what I wanted though, did I want to pull off her panties or just push them aside and fuck her with them on.  I don’t think I ever fully decided on it, just that she had her pussy exposed to me as I pushed inside of her and fucked her on the bed with that white dress that resembled so closely a wedding dress it drove me to shoot my cum into the toilet and nearly fall back onto the seat.  

The feeling wasn’t as deep or stretching as when I masturbated in bed at night.  I didn’t have the aftershocks or trembling like I did at night.  It was a muted orgasm that stayed centralized in my not fully deflated cock, as if I didn’t get it all out.  There was a feeling of remorse and awkwardness.  I don’t know if it was because I basically fantasized about having non consensual sex with my ex wife in her bedroom or because I didn’t fully get to experience the orgasm from that fantasy.  

I don’t know why she does that though, ask me to help her get dressed.  She stands in front of me in her bra and panties and asks me to help her with her clothes as if I’m some kind of eunuch.  She asks me to pull her clothes on or tie her dress strings or adjust a piece of the dress and then steps away if I touch her in a needy manner.  She asks me to put her shoes on but squirms away when I squeeze and rub her feet.  I can’t help it if she teases me like that and then I want to masturbate and cum all over her toes.  I’m sorry that you are standing in your bra and panties in front of me and it conjures up thoughts of when I could fuck you freely and then still want to. 

Part of me thinks she does it on purpose to know that I still want her.  Part of me thinks she likes to do it.  All of me thinks she doesn’t want to fuck me, not at all.  That’s the fun part where she gets to tease and flaunt herself but step away and click her tongue and shake her head.

“Nuh uh, don’t be bad.  No touching.  You don’t get to do that anymore.”

It makes me want to hang my head and mutter, “yes Mommy,” then jerk off a piddle on the floor while she continues getting dressed for someone else.  So, I guess, yes, it’s definitely the humiliation and cuckold kink.

Last night I didn’t even look at porn.  I didn’t pull up xhamster or pornhub and watch sexy young women getting fucked and riding huge cocks.  I set my alarm and put my phone down and fantasized again about my ex wife being only dressed in her bra and panties with a dress half way on.  The surge in arousal was fast and as I thought about finally touching her it shot through me and I was so close.  By the time I thought of pushing my hard cock into her panty covered ass I was panting heavily in my bed, my sheet tossed off of me and my naked body exposed.  When she told me no I pleaded, but as I pleaded I had her on the bed and I pushed my cock into her as I whimpered that I wanted to fuck her.  

“I just need to fuck you,” I pleaded as I pushed into her over and over again.  My cock inside her pussy with no protection.

“I needed to feel your pussy again.”

And then I shot my orgasm into a wadded up pair of boxer briefs.  I shivered appropriately.  I shook through the aftershocks.  My body quaked as I squeezed along my shaft and milked my cock for every ounce it had.  The orgasm wasn’t the best I had ever had, it wasn’t even a memorable one, but it was extremely satisfying.  I tossed the pair of boxer briefs behind me into the corner of the bed and rolled over onto my side.  My leg kicked over a mound of blankets and my eyes were shut.  My mind wandered in its post orgasm state and I was in a deep sleep within a couple of minutes.  I did not remember my dream but I slept soundly most of the night.

My ex wife is going to be a central point in my masturbation and sexual fantasies for quite a while I can imagine.  I don’t anticipate myself finding a girlfriend or any kind of steady partner for quite a long time, if ever.  The idea of dealing with someone else’s issues and fitting them into mine seems like so much work for both of us I can’t imagine finding someone who would be willing to go through with that for me, and me for her.  So I’ll continue my periodic pining for the comfort of my ex wife and her fucking all of the men she fucked while she was still married to me.  

Even as she gets married (very) soon and I’m invited to watch it as some kind of non-sexual post cuckold experience I’m sure I’ll spend the night of their wedding night jerking off in bed and imagining her in her wedding dress, wishing I could lick the cum from her pussy after she’s taken cock after cock all night long.  Maybe I’ll find a pair of her panties that she wore all day long and save them for that night and place them over my face and take deep inhales of her pussy soaked crotch as I stroke myself into an orgasm-induced stupor.  I’ll cum all over myself that night and then wipe it off with her skimpy panties, wishing it was someone else’s cum in her panties when in actuality there would be someone else’s cum in her cunt that night.  All I’ll have is her days-old pair of worn panties, a memory of her scent and what it felt like to have my nose pressed against her pussy and inhale it while I tongued, licked and sucked on her clit.  

Then, after lying there panting post orgasm, I’ll roll over and go to sleep and dream of something I won’t remember and wake up and do it all over again.