Lying in bed is one of the places where I get a bunch of ideas to write, which is both terrible and wonderful because I’m lying in bed at night before I go to sleep.  One one hand I’m dozing off or getting ready to and/or in close mental proximity towards masturbating which will guarantee me falling asleep almost immediately, so there is little I can do with these ideas.  Yes I can think of them and possibly write them down, but that would take a deviation of my hand from my erect penis.  Easier said than made happen.  These ideas then lay on the edge of a cliff in danger of falling into the abyss if I don’t recall them in the morning.

On the other hand lying in bed naked while thinking of, usually, erotic stories is both a great masturbation aide and a very apt time to let them grow legs and run into the wild with possibilities.  The other night both the former and latter took over and I got to experience the best of both worlds.

The idea

I can’t recall exactly why I thought of it, nor why my mind was even in the realm of homosexually intimate escapades, but I was in bed and the idea, as I recall it, flung itself onto me begging to be played with.  I smiled at it instantly and thought it sounded like a possibility to have both a good story with mental depth as well as sexual depravity.

What if I hooked up with a guy on Grindr, or just a dating app and it went further than I had anticipated?  The center point on the idea hinged on multiple encounters with this man to the point where he asks me to go away with him on a trip.  My thought was somewhere easy like Las Vegas where shenanigans could be had and it was an easy away-from-it-all spot.  

Now it wasn’t just a regular first time gay story with a new location thrown in the mix, there was further depth to the idea of the “first time” aspect about it and part of the kink that I mainly attribute to playing with other men in bed.  I would make the character, an obvious self insert, convince himself to go on this trip and as he slowly releases his anxiousness and stops holding himself back he lets himself be a gay man on vacation with another gay man.

As I type that right now it’s funny, there is a tingling and shifting between my legs happening.  I can’t tell if it’s shrinking or repositioning but I can feel it.  And now as I bring my attention to it further I can tell it’s growing, not just shifting.  The idea is getting me aroused.  The thought of being a gay man on vacation with another gay man is getting me hard, the same it did this past weekend when the idea first jumped into my head.

So, as you read this, you’re telling yourself what?  He’s gay he just doesn’t want to admit it to himself, right?  Only a gay man would be excited at the thought of being able to fully embrace his homosexuality in public with another man.

I’m not so sure about that.

Denial?

The story, as I have so briefly developed it over the past day to day and a half, is that a man (first person POV) would meet another man online and have random casual sex with him over a stretch of six to twelve months.  Then, randomly, the other man asks the main character to go away with him.  He’s going to Las Vegas and wants to talk him somewhere out of their bedroom.

At first the main character declines but the other man leaves it open and tells him the offer is on the table and it doesn’t have to be any time soon.  This is where we get lost in the main characters head and his thinking.  This is also where I don’t know where to go.

Should the main character be married and sneaking around with another man?   This is my favorite manner of writing first time and other gay erotica, partially because it mirrored my first time having sex with another man (being fucked by another man is what I mean because I associate having sex as a two way street when I’m always the one with the cock in his ass, but saying it the more crude way feels…well, something).

I could fairly easily write in a work trip or something to explain away his absence to his wife.  This would also allow for some tension at the end of the story when the main character has to commit (if I decide to take it that far).  I also like that it feels more real and less real at the same time.  After being on Grindr and online on dating sites and knowing the amount of married-to-women men that are out looking for other men to suck their cocks (or a wide variety of other acts) that I think this idea would be a more popular one because a lot of men out there are/would probably fantasize about this exact scenario.  Maybe not fully admitting they want to be gay but the thrill of letting go would excite them.

Are they gay?  Probably not.  Am I gay?  Probably not.  But the idea of being able to shed that taboo for a long weekend and fully embrace being with another man in a sexually charged, almost dream-like adventure would be exhilarating.  

Before I got to do it, the idea of kissing another man was my number one bucket list item.  I craved it.  I would have kissed any man as long as he was big and strong and, honestly, he didn’t even have to be that.  I just wanted to feel his lips against mine and his tongue hard in my mouth.  

Was this just because homosexuality, at least for most of my life, was considered taboo and wrong?  The idea of kissing another man was as grotesque as being naked with another man to the point where it was a common horror moment in television and movies.  To now be able to press my lips against another man’s lips in full public display of hundreds of other people who may or may not be looking but, for the most part, could not care one bit would cause my heart rate to sky rocket.  

It would be the secret sexual shame that turns me on more than any other preformed in public.  Am I a voyeur too?  I’d practically cum in my pants if he rubbed his thigh between my legs as we pushed into each other while sharing an intimate, but gentle kiss standing in a random spot on a random street.

Lack of Intimacy

I think more so than being gay I am, possibly like many of these closeted bisexual-to-homosexual men have an extreme lack of closeness with other people.  There is no intimacy in our lives and we are seeking it, and replacing it, with sex acts.  

I could go on a whole psychological rabbit hole on this and say that many of these men aren’t even bisexual but either sex addicts or confusing the sex acts with the rule of the sanctity of their marriage.  If they don’t preform a sex act with another woman then it’s not technically cheating on their wife or girlfriend because they would never leave a woman for another man.  They aren’t gay as much as they are either unfulfilled in their relationship or, to go deeper into psyche, aren’t meant to be in a monogamous relationship.  These random sex acts with men allow their mind to be satiated with their need for sexual promiscuity while not risking their male-female dynamic that they are comfortable.  

I suffer, and have for a long time even while married, from a severe lack of intimacy.  I believe that is why I crave kissing so deeply, whether it’s with a man or a woman. I believe it’s why I am so deeply into cuckold pornography and the dynamic, because it’s voyeuristic intimacy watching your wife or girlfriend kiss and have sex with another man.  It folds everything into each other while admitting the lack of intimacy I’ve currently suffering from and making that its own kink.

So then the idea of being asked to go on a vacation with another man and then letting guard down enough to experience some closeness with another person who I’ve learned I shouldn’t be close with like that in a public setting while having all of those strings plucked and vibrating at my sexual core, it would be an explosive erotic experience.  Dipping only my toe into that pool would have my hand pumping up and down my cock and cumming in moments, or as happened earlier, the mere thought of it stirring my flaccid penis to begin growing at the mere thought.

The Problem

I had other ideas that went along with this one.  Thankfully this vacation idea was strong enough that it stuck to the insides of my mind, but there was at least one other idea that I really wanted to remember but it’s just out there on the border sitting in a haze.  Whenever I try and probe deeper to find it all I come up with are the other ideas I had for the vacation story.

Holding the other man’s hand and lacing my fingers with his in public.

Kissing him.

Leaning my head on his shoulder.

Letting him hold me, his arm around my waist.

Crazy, wild, passionate sex in the hotel room.

Allowing myself to be “more gay” in a sense of soft and more feminine.

So I keep wondering if one of these ideas, or the totality of these ideas were something that my lost story idea was, or if it was all related.  

Then I just wonder if it was another story where a man slowly realizes that he isn’t just bisexual and is, in actuality, gay and admits it to himself through numerous homosexual encounters.  

It could have been nothing related to being gay and on another plain related merely to being a cuckold, being in chastity or some kind of anthro transformation story.  And as I typed that out I got another ringing in my head wondering if it was another homosexual story related to my anthology idea where a man is “allowed” to be gay or a woman or something by wearing a device.  It really could have been anything but I’m afraid it’s lost over the cliff of dreams.

The other problem being that I’m spending now an hour and fifteen minutes writing a blog post about writing a story rather than writing the actual story.  Over 1800 words dedicated to my thoughts on the story I want to write that will probably be at least 20,000 based on the level of detail and development of the character I want to show.  

Will tomorrow come and I run out of time to start the idea and then that time doesn’t allow for Wednesday either, leading into my typical masturbation Thursday where I don’t end up writing another but.a quick blog post or jerk off fodder vignette?  Or will my passion for the idea fade and it will barely finds its way off of the ground, left in the graveyard of ideas I’ve dug?

The problem is of my own making and the solution is of my own ability.

Now What?

I finish this post.  I spend too much time creating an image to be the header for this post.  I get distracted to the point where I’m barely able to post this tonight before bed rather than right now as I finish it.  Tomorrow I attempt to start writing the story, and if I’m lucky I ramrod through an easy 2000 words.  Then Wednesday maybe more.  Thursday is the crux of it.  If I can manage to spend a good portion of my Thursday writing on this idea to finish the week somewhere around 5000 words on the idea I think I’ll have enough momentum to keep up with it.  If I jerk off and cum all over myself late morning from looking at hentai and other cartoon pornography I’ll probably lose the idea and it will slide off of the edge of my dreams.

So, if you’re out there.  If you’ve read this entirety.  If you want to read something like what I’ve described.  Tell me to stop fucking around and write it.  Beg me to.  Demand it.  Threaten me.  Call me names.  Give me no other choice but to write it.  I think if I can get myself on the track the train will be really difficult to derail.